oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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