now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
