I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I need a beard to bite.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
