I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
