I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize