my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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