Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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