I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
