dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize