i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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