yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
