dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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