i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
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