so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
