He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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