So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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