God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it wasn't lemon gatorade
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
