Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
