My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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