the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
