I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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