there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
