Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
