i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think people are normalizing furries
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
