At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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