So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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