just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
