I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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