Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
