I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
