I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
