You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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