you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
