im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
