Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
