I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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