He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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