I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
