Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We are two peas in an std pod
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
