The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
