her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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