drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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