oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
