after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
