Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
