I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
