forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize