Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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