you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
