so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
