Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
