I didn't shave. On purpose
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
