my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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