There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
